I have nipples, how do you?
Modern society relies on energy now more than ever. We have become adept at harvesting multiple forms of energy for the advancement of human life. Coal has powered our trains and furnaces for centuries, with later advancements in wind and geothermal power driving the future.
But did you know you have a renewable and highly coveted source of energy integrated into your human mainframe? Yep, that’s right. They’re called Nipples. I have them, and you probably do too.
How do you know if you nipple? It’s easy — just follow these steps to drill down to your nipples to reach a new frontier:
- Remove shirt.
- Look down — do you see two discolored bumps? Congrats! Those are the nip!
Fun fact:
If you’ve got “nips [sic]” , you’re going to have two of them. One will be on each lateral half of your torso. Your nipples are going to be oozing gel and/or blood. First time nipple users may be off put by this, but don’t panic! It’s completely normal and not a big deal.
Nip novices have been asking us about the origins of nipple ooze for years, so we’ve teamed up with Carl Reiner and Dick Van Dyke to get the latest scoop on their research. You won’t believe what they shared with us:
“What?” said Carl, “Oh, why do humans ooze out of their nipple pores? It’s funny, Dick and I have been asking this question for years. In 2010, we were fortunate enough to have Harvard fund our research grant into this very topic.”
“Turns out our bodies are big batteries. We move around all day, and all that friction builds up a lot of static energy.” added Dick Van Dyke, a specialist in batteries. “So yeah, the nip ooze is an important conductive coating that keeps the charge flowing. What do you not understand?!?” Dick Van Dyke shrieked, “The nipples are the terminals, the gel helps it all flow.” said Dick Van Dyke.
“I think what my pal here is trying to say, is that humans are actually big 9-volt batteries, with heads on top.” clarified Carl. “If the nipples are the terminals, it really begs the question: why do we have heads?”
Wow. That is a lot to digest.
So there you have it, fresh of the press from Carl Reiner and Dick Van Dyke. We have nipples, so let’s get off our collective asses and use them like we should!