Everyone is a different person underneath it all. So even though your parents have lost 60 pounds each in the last year, and are really showing you up at your annual Thanksgiving weight lifting competition, you might still have some hope. And you may not even have to give up gluten! (Although I swear to God, if you don’t stop ordering Di Nonna Rossa every week, you probably aren’t gonna lose any weight).
But even with all of the variations in anatomy, genetics, and zodiac signs, there are still some weight loss methods that work 100% of the time. So if you really need to make the cut for this year’s family competition, maybe give one of these a go.
Surgery
Appendectomies and kidney donations are classic ways to shed a few pounds by getting rid of organs that you don’t necessarily need. But did you know that there are plenty of other parts of your body that you can survive without? You can easily lose a few pounds by slicing off a foot or an arm, or if you’re looking for something a little more effective you could just remove both of your legs. Be careful though! Once you’ve removed all of your appendages, you should probably stop, since your torso contains some organs that are critical for survival.
Take off your shoes
Those clompers have got to weigh like 30 pounds — just get them off your damned feet.
Become a Jack-O-Lantern
Just like pumpkins, humans are filled with a dense layer of delicious and healthy squash. Most people will just toss all of the scrapings, but make sure to save the seeds. You can plant the seeds to grow new organs, or even roast them for a tasty treat!
Take a Dip in the Mediterranean
From the islands of Greece to that place with the big triangles, the Mediterranean is home to quite a few people who love to dry stuff out in the sun. Whether it’s grapes, clothes, or tomatoes, people have been removing the water content using the natural power of the sun for at least 20 years. Since humans are roughly 60% water, that leaves a lot of room for weight loss! First you want to blanch to remove the skin — dip yourself in boiling water for 30 seconds, then jump into an ice bath. Cut yourself in half and squeeze out the pulp and seeds. The drying process can take up to 10 days, so make sure that you leave room for air to flow so you don’t grow mold, and make sure you are completely dry before putting yourself in an airtight container for best storage. Remember, moisture is the enemy here, so you may want to invest in a dehumidifier.